RE: Is There Such a Thing As a 'Wrong' Decision?

How therapy helped me realise everything is part of the plan

You can’t make a wrong decision in your life. This is a sentiment that has provided me a lot of comfort over the past few months. You can never make a wrong decision, and you can also only make a decision based on what you know in that moment. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind when new information floats to the top. That doesn’t mean that each decision you make is concrete, written in stone, unable to move.

We are humans. We are beautifully, indecisive, free, human beings who are able to make decisions and see where things go and change our minds and make new choices. This was the last lesson I have learnt in therapy and I think it is probably the most important one. It is the final paragraph, in a series of lessons, that has given myself permission to try new things and to see myself out of the identity I have boxed myself into for so long.

I used to be scared about telling people I had therapy. I used to call it an appointment, but in the last 3 months I started calling it for what it was: therapy. A session I paid for weekly because it helped me cope and understand more about who I was. An hour where I got to think about the way my brain worked and why my brain worked, and how I wanted my brain to work. I got to learn things, unlearn things, and relearn things about myself.

Your twenties are your selfish years, the years where you are allowed to make decisions based on what you want to do. But, the idea of who you want to be can change over the course of a year, a month, a week, even a day. But, without therapy, I would never realise how true this was.

For as long as I can remember, I have thought that deciding something, that moving my life in a certain way meant I could never change my mind. I have been frightened of making decisions because I would think I could never leave them, and I would worry about setting things in stone that I wasn’t completely happy with.

Therapy has taught me that a key part of being human is making the best decisions you can with what you know, and allowing the evolution of that decision as you learn more. Allowing yourself the compassion, flexibility, and permission to change your mind, is a key part of creating the best possible life for yourself.

When I was 9 I decided I hated fish fingers and baked beans, no more logic to it than they were my sister’s favourite and I was in a particularly difficult mood. I didn’t try them again for five years.

Turns out I do like them, and spent five years of my life fish finger and bean-less because I refused to consider that ‘maybe’ my taste buds had changed.

Although going five years without beans and fish fingers is not the worst thing, (side note—some people DRAIN their baked beans and the thought of doing that, of treating them like chickpeas makes me question a lot and if I saw you doing this I would definitely have to say something), but if we were all to make decisions and then think we could never go back, we could never reconsider, we could never include that in our life again I think our life would be very boring.

I finished therapy on Tuesday. I don’t know if graduating from therapy is a thing but saying I finished therapy feels too final. How can we ever finish an experience which allows us to know more about ourselves, how can we ever think we have learnt all we have? I don’t think we can and so saying I have finished therapy isn’t true. But, for the time being, I have put therapy on pause. Therapy provided a lifeline in a moment when I felt like I was floating, in a time where I was really unhappy. It gave me a space to work out what was going on, to consider the life I had created and to question where I wanted to go. Going to therapy allowed me to see myself for who I am. It allowed me to see myself as human, as someone who doesn’t have to get everything right. As someone who can only make the best decisions based off what they know at that moment. It allowed me to see myself as a combination of all the versions of me that I have been before. It allowed me to see my younger self, to understand my want to protect her, to understand how my emotions work and why. But most important, it’s taught me how to talk to myself. Therapy showed me that no matter what is going on around me, I can still speak nicely to myself. I can be kind, and patient, and compassionate with myself. I can allow myself to get things wrong knowing there is no real wrong decision. I can give myself the space and the flexibility to try new things because failing just means we tried!

At the moment I feel the most in my twenties that I have ever felt. I have been sent curveball after curveball. I’m making decisions then being provided new information and then making new decisions and I’m having to do a rapid amount of working it out. I’m scared of people’s opinion, but I’m trying so hard not to be. I’m trying to trust that quiet feeling that is saying you know what to do.

I’m realising more and more that the value of giving things a go.

How can you know what you want if you don’t try? How can you know what you could be if you don’t find out? I think we have to be less scared to put ourselves out there. I think we have to be less scared of the worst-case scenario. I think we have to stop seeing ourselves as this one-dimensional being who has to shoehorn themselves into a character. We have to realise we can make decisions and change our mind. That we are allowed to be multifaceted and have layers of our personality and character. We see people online and we are quick to equate them to brands, we choose content pillars to build our identity from and all of a sudden you become known for a niche. I think it’s important that we remember outside of content creation, outside of the social media world so many of our favourite personalities exist in, that we remember they are a human being living for the first time too. That they are trying their best, that they will do things and change their mind, that they will try new things and might wear different styles, that they might always have a fringe and then get rid of it one day (this will never be me though, don’t worry), and that at the bottom of all of this, the content we consume is a narration of their life, but is not their life.

I think this is what therapy has helped me see. Therapy has helped me see myself in me. For so long I merged my achievements, my grades into the definition of who I was. I gained joy from telling people what I was doing rather than the joy of the actual doing. But therapy has allowed me to see myself out of the achievements, it has allowed me to redefine the definition of who I think I am and has given me the space to be curious about who I want to be. The perfectionist in me wants to define my career path, wants me to pick a route and stick to it. But, where is the fun in that?

Therapy has showed me that life is not black and white. That life is not an equation. Therapy has also shown me that these feelings of uncertainty we all have, these waves that come crashing at different points, the wind changing in direction, it can feel overwhelming. But, if we learn to move with the wind. If we stop resisting the idea that there is a bigger plan, that you truly can’t make a wrong decision. If we give ourselves permission to ride the wave without knowing the end point, we will be happier.

I hope you allow yourself to learn this. I hope you allow your life to flow with a little uncertainty. I hope you leave a little up to chance, because it’s when we don’t know what’s coming that the magic really happens.

Love,
Bella 💌