RE: Jumping Into the Unknown

Exam stress, change and the inner confidence that being uncomfortable brings us.

It’s a funny thing, writing your thoughts out and hoping someone out there relates. It’s an even funnier thing when what you tend to write is vulnerable and something you would never say out loud. But in a weird way, by writing this down, I feel like I’m passing you a secret note — a silent conversation between two people, where the back and forth is between your thoughts and the page.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the followers I have and why it all means so much. I think 'You’ve Got Mail' means so much to me because it is me. It’s all of my thoughts and feelings and (what should be) secrets. Some people create pages based on fashion and lifestyle, others on cars and makeup; most of these things are hobbies that allow someone to express themselves. But it’s a weird thing for your niche to be the way you speak and communicate with others. To create a community based on common feeling is an incredibly beautiful thing, and something I will never take for granted.

When I was thinking what to discuss this week, none of my predefined topics felt relevant. When you build your niche on your own thoughts and ideas, if you’re not feeling it, then it isn’t going to work. Your heart has to always be in it. Needing my heart to be in everything I create has been a tricky tightrope to walk. I form attachments to things that most people would be able to do and then leave. I feel the need to try my best and succeed at everything. It is not just enough to try something; I have to always try my best. By trying my best, I know there is nothing else left to give. By always trying my best, I escape the fear that I will leave with regrets—a fear that has been chasing me for a long time, the constant shadow on a sunny day. Is THIS what I want to do?

I have found this week harder than most. I thought the biggest leap would be leaving my job and stepping into the unknown, but I now realise how known this unknown was. Unemployed isn’t fun, but the ball is in your court. Being able to control my days, being able to dictate what I do all the time, was the biggest comfort blanket an anxious girl could be given. For a while, I needed this. I needed to find safety in myself again. After years living in fight or flight, it takes a toll on how you feel, on how you process emotions, on how you process conflict, and on how you process daily life. I thought leaving my job was the big jump, but I was wrong.

Change is hard for us all to process. It is scary and uncomfortable, and as much as I say we should live on the edge of our comfort zone, living on the edge when you’re scared of heights is tiring. But, you don’t always need an infinite amount of courage. You just need ten seconds—ten seconds of courage where you put yourself out there, where you jump between the trapezes of life, where you take a leap to the next stepping stone. As written so beautifully in the parable of the trapeze by Danaan Perry (paraphrased here by me, but please read the entire piece of work), we hold onto our trapeze of certainty tightly; we enjoy knowing what we know. But at certain points in our life, a new empty trapeze swings to us; it has no name and yet we know it is for us. And in that moment, we are faced with the terrifying uncertainty of the unknown. We jump, not knowing if we will make it. We jump, questioning if we will fall. We jump, our minds and emotions ignoring all the other times we have successfully jumped before.

This week has been a week I have jumped. The unknown of starting a new job, of new commitments, of making this—the way to communicate to you—as impactful as possible has been beyond daunting. But in these moments where I do jump, where I am faced with the uncertainty of what my life could be, I remind myself to face each day as it comes, to be truly present. I wonder if this is why people say living outside of your comfort zone is when you are truly living, because it is when we live outside of our comfort zone that we can focus on nothing more than the present day. You face challenges head-on, you trust in your gut that you can do this, you become your own biggest cheerleader. And then, like a climber reaching the summit of a mountain they have dreamed of, we reach the top. We look around and realise we faced our fears head-on, and now the fears don’t feel so terrifying anymore. We realise the unknown is only ever one decision away from becoming known, from being the new comfort zone. We realise by pushing ourselves a little bit, by taking the next jump into the void of what our life could be, we take a bet on ourselves and trust that we will land where we are meant to.

So many of us are experiencing such great change at the moment. Perhaps you are completing your exams, leaving university, moving home, or booking your flight to a Pinterest-worthy destination. So many of us are living in a state where we are scared to fall onto the rocks below. I am scared too. But, as my co-star so aptly just reminded me, ‘pretend to know what you are doing’. Jump with confidence; remind yourself how many times you have jumped before. Walk into the exam hall with your head held high; book that flight knowing there is a reason why you have dreamt of this place for so long.

I wish there was a way we could jump together, that we could face the unknown holding hands, taking a step forward all at once. But, to swing to your next trapeze, you have to be ready to grab the bar with all your might. And so, while I can’t hold your hand, and I can’t jump for you, I hope you find comfort knowing that we are jumping together. Me and you. That I feel scared before I try new things, that meeting new people makes me overthink a lot, that I convince myself two hours into a new experience I am doing terribly.

I find comfort in knowing I can leave anything. However, I know there is strength in staying—not staying in things that you know aren’t right for you, but staying in things that feel uncomfortable at first, that are not bad or terrible, but are just new. In showing yourself 'I can do this,' in saying it in your head and then watching your actions follow, you build your own confidence in your ability to jump again. Next time you jump with more power; you leap into the unknown knowing it will work out.

Whatever change you are facing right now, whatever challenge or unknown, face it with your shoulders back knowing that I am rooting for you all the way. Change is scary and terrifying—the change of exams being here, of leaving your hometown, of moving away from your friends, of trying new jobs and saying yes to new experiences. But change doesn’t always mean something is bad. At some point, the trapeze you are holding onto so tightly right now was also new and nameless, was also something that filled you with dread. Before I moved to Manchester, I spent nights lying in my bed, questioning if this was a bad decision. But now I sit here, in my current flat, looking at spaces to live in next year, and I couldn’t imagine my life any other way.

So both of us are going to jump with confidence; we are going to focus on what could be rather than what could fail, and we are going to remember we have never fallen onto the rocks before, that another trapeze, another opportunity, another step to jump onto has always appeared. As I said last week, life has a tendency to work out.