RE: Should I Move In With My Boyfriend?

Me and my current boyfriend were long distance for 3.5 years, and let me tell you, that was not for the faint-hearted. Long distance relationships were all I had ever known, and so they felt comfortable, and easier than the alternative, which was breaking up. Now don’t get me wrong, there are positives to being long distance. By being long distance we were able to do exactly what we wanted to do, which were very different things at that point. My boyfriend was beginning university and I was just finishing it.

When we first met, three years of long distance felt like such a task, but it’s strange how quickly the months go. The goodbyes were never easy, but I knew that the goodbyes meant we were both doing exactly what we wanted to do. When I moved home after finishing university, there was no one else to base my next move off. I applied for my dream master’s programme and moved to London, the city I had always wanted to live in.

I often wonder why we feel a certain pull to different places, but London was always that place for me. In my mind, London was filled with opportunity and what could be. Also, weirdly enough, a big part of me moving was needing to prove to myself I could create a life. I think the scary thing about relationships when you are younger is that you grow up beside someone, so how do you know who you are on your own?

Being long distance allowed me to work that out without having to leave someone I really loved to do it. But eventually, the parallel lives we were creating whilst being in a long distance relationship started to gain more and more depth. We were both settling into who we were, and the realisation hit that it was now or never. Although I loved London with all my heart, London was never forever for me. I think you either learn to lean into the chaos that city brings, or you begin to resent it, and sadly the resentment had begun to build.

I hated paying the majority of my paycheck to live on a street where there had been multiple police chases. I hated that my house was filled with black mould and my skin had developed stress eczema. I didn’t love paying for the tube every day (although looking back I could definitely have walked more), and I really didn’t love having to pay £100 every time I visited my family. As a logical person, the cons were starting to outweigh the pros and, to be honest, I stopped feeling safe in the place I was meant to call home.

And so, the move to Manchester became final and within a couple of months I was packing up my belongings to move in with my boyfriend and his best friend. When I tell people this – that I lived with my boyfriend’s best friend for a year, and by choice – usually people are a little shocked. It’s not the usual housemate experience, and I think living with anyone and your partner is a tricky dynamic.

But, I look back over the past year and living with my boyfriend and a housemate was one of the best decisions we made. Living with someone else and your partner takes the pressure off you having to live like a happy family. There was more of a friendship dynamic, which, when there was quite a lot of pressure riding on the move anyway, really helped me not dramatise the situation. It gave us the space to work out how we wanted to live with each other, before we really did live alone with each other.

And now, here we are. I’m currently sat in our flat together thinking of all the heartfelt goodbyes and intense discussions where we thought: are we just holding onto something that isn’t meant to be? When you love someone, you never want to let them go, but sometimes the logic of your current situation being really, really, really tricky can grow from a quiet whisper to the loudest of shouts.

I wonder what I would tell the younger version of me who was so unsure how things would work out. Part of me wants to send her a photo of my current reality, but the other part wants to leave it as is. Yes, it would have been great to know that four years from then I’d be roasting a chicken for our lunch and discussing what knife set is a worthwhile investment. But on the other hand, leaning into the unknown – letting myself focus on the fact that I don’t know what the future holds, but the current present is actually okay – and ruining my current present by focusing on the unpredictable nature of the future doesn’t actually change the future. It only ruins the present. That was a key lesson to learn.

So yes, now we are sat in our nice little flat together, which has a balcony (a dream), and we argued over kettle colours. And moving flats and being apart was tricky, but there has been a big lesson in all of this that I wouldn’t have wanted to rush: the things that are out of our control tend to work out okay. And no amount of worrying, no amount of trying to predict the future would have predicted my current scenario that I am living in. So maybe all that brain space can be better used elsewhere.

It’s a weird feeling closing the housemate chapter. It feels a little bit like a shock, like oh right okay, I am that old now. Me and my boyfriend living together is not that crazy at all – but it’s also exciting. Each new chapter we begin, each next section of our lives we start living, makes space for new change and different stories to be told. It’s weird when you reach milestones, as even though things have felt the same for so long, you realise little changes in your life have been being made.

Maybe you’re also changing chapters right now – whether that be moving in with housemates, moving out, changing housemates, or moving into a flat all on your own – whatever change you’re going through, please soak it all in. Soon the change you find so different and scary will become your new normal. The change will stop being new and different, and you will stop reminding yourself how exciting this chapter is.

Try to not stop doing that.
Try to not stop appreciating the little parts of your everyday life that make up your routine.
Try to not stop celebrating the things you have achieved that feel so normal.

Love Bella💌